I don’t know all that much for certain, but I do know for certain that we can never get these moments back. And by “these,” I mean every single moment of every single day.
This trip, our trip, could not have come at a better time.
I’d love to tell you that doing a 5-day road trip with a 1, 2, and 3-year-old is magical. For some, it might be. For me? A lot of the time felt less than magical.
But during our trip, I realized that it’s all so much less about a 1, 2, and 3-year-old than it is about their mama.
You’ve heard the saying…..
Life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it.
The way I have been reacting to the 10 percent for the past several years is not how I want to react for the next several years.
We Can Never Get These Moments Back
During our trip, I felt something, many things, on several different occasions. And after I had felt them, I found myself standing outside my very existence saying, “Who am I?”
On Facebook yesterday I posted a few pictures from our trip. I captioned them, “These past 5 days have been everything. I feel a shift…..”
I feel a shift, but not because any one thing has shifted.
I feel a shift because several things must shift.
Unlike many stories, this isn’t one where I tell you I have it all figured out. I don’t. Not even a little bit.
We drove over 1,500 miles in 5 days. We stayed in many different places including a hotel, farmhouse, cabin on a river, and a rustic cabin in the woods. We saw the beautiful Redwoods, Crater Lake, snow, a Safari, and more.
I was disconnected from life – my blog, work, all things “social,” and yet all the while very much so connected with life. My life. Our life. Real life.
I finished reading Present Over Perfect and felt a stab in my heart about a hundred times when I realized that I, too, hold so many of both the desirable and undesirable qualities Shauna talks about.
On the last night of our trip, there were these few incredible minutes when all five of us were in this tiny little living room. Ryan was sitting in a big, maroon leather chair. I was sitting on a comfy, cloth couch. And all three children were rolling around on the floor. Samarah and Isaiah were pushing, tickling, and wrestling Amiya (God bless that tiny little girl’s heart for all that she already puts up with) on the ground. Their laughs were contagious….all of them. They just kept going and going and going.
And when it was over, Maya was tired, so I picked her up, and she curled like a ball into my chest, sucking her fingers. I rocked her while looking at the whole scene, and I thought to myself silently and deeply,
We can never get these moments back.
Yet still, change doesn’t happen overnight, and I’m not the kind of person, mother, friend or anything else who will tell you……amen, hallelujah, I’m a changed person just like that.
No, just like it has taken years to regain my health (and by the way, I’m still not all the way there, and I don’t think I ever will be), so it will take time to dig deep, be honest, stop burning out, and get to the core of who and what I believe I truly am.
Because who I am needed a good punch in the stomach and reminder that we can never get these moments back.
p.s. More soon. And also, there will be a lot more coming for the book club book, Present Over Perfect now that I’m finished with it.