I woke up yesterday (and today, and most days these days) at 4 am. I fed Samarah, put her back to bed and I stayed awake. My work day was beginning.
At 8:30 am, Samarah and I headed out to go to our last MOPS group for the season. As I was strolling Sam on in, the thought briefly crossed my mind,
I always wanted to be the mommy who had her own business. I always wanted to have the freedom to go to mommy ‘n me things with my baby without first getting approval. I always wanted to dictate the way my day would go. I always wanted to be able to turn it all off and put it all away at any point when my baby needed me.
I finally have exactly everything I have always wanted.
At 10 pm last night, my eyelids were heavy, but I had some work to finish up. I finished, and a new, yet very similar, thought crossed my mind again,
This is not easy, but this is what I always wanted.
I’ve learned during these past several months that we tend to want everything without actually understanding what everything entails.
I never, ever knew it was going to be this hard.
I think I saw one too many movies, read one too many magazine articles and heard about one too many successful mompreneurs. My reality was jaded when I saw only the absolute best part of their lives.
Nothing about all I’ve ever wanted has been or is easy. Nothing.
But here’s what happened just before I turned off my computer to fall asleep: it all made sense. I looked down at Samarah. She was sleeping so peacefully. Her head was cocked to the left (this is typically how she falls asleep; it’s facing me). She is sprouting these beautiful little curls, so I sat there to adore the new one down by her right ear.
I smiled. I felt at peace. It all made sense.
The days are long and some nights are hard, but I do feel like I truly have all I ever wanted, and I’m not letting go.
Love your guts,