Sarah Kay Hoffman

Life always gives exactly what we need, at the exact time when we least expect it. I’ve always known this. I realized it even more this weekend.

After seeing one pink line last Thursday, I was heartbroken. But I knew that Friday would already see me to more pep in my step. The day after always does because I know that life goes on. I realized this weekend that I don’t “just want life to go on.” Life is so precious; I’m not going to let one pink line this month or any month moving forward determine if my heart is broken or whole.

Two things happened.

First, I received a message from a dear friend on Friday. She opened my eyes to something that no one else has. Her perspective was exactly what I needed to hear. She will remain anonymous, but her words will not. Here is what she told me:

“Hope this helps to give you some perspective on getting pregnant….

#1. If you focus on it – it NEVER happens. It’s like some weird thing that you when you subconsciously and internally fight in your system never happens. I don’t know why – I have just watched this happen over and over again.

#2. The people who easily get pregnant- it’s their “time”- and really- in the end, I always hear they wish they could pursue their dreams as they are sitting there being pregnant and that’s simply not possible. As we all know – you have to 100% be willing to put “you” aside to be a parent in the beginning. And, that’s great for them. You have to ask – is this right for you… right now – at this time in your life?

#3. Instead of trying to focus on creating a baby, surround yourself wtih children who are in need. For whatever reason, it resignates with the inner need to “mother” and takes the pressure off you to “make one of your own.” Then, somehow, nature happens.

#4. Give yourself a break. Do NOT live life to do this; let life happen and unfold as it’s supposed to. You’re young and healthy, and it’s going to be your time when the universe says it’s your time.

#5. Ask yourself, “What’s left in life for you to do before you get pregnant?” Do you want to travel more? Do you want to move first? There is a much stronger subconscious that rules our bodies.

#6. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are truly special, and you rock. Stop being broken hearted! Why? Life is too short to be sad. Embrace “now” for now, and be grateful for all you have. Because, trust me – there are many, many, many others who would trade places with your life.”

Second, yesterday at church we talked “The Journey from Anxiety to Trust.”  I was reminded that:

• I choose where I will focus my mind.
• I choose to trust that God is in control.
• I rest in the reality that God is watching over me.

Both of these could not have come at a better time. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’ve given up hope or the desire to want Baby Hoffman. The only difference is my attitude, my frame of mind. I will not let it control me. I have hope, faith and trust. I am going to work daily on giving up any and all anxiety that surrounds me.

If you’re sitting where I am today, I hope this has given you a fresh perspective as well.

Happy Monday friends!

One Pink Line. Two broken hearts.

I had to wait several hours to write this because it’s so hard to swallow.

We did everything right this month so it’s hard for me not to analyze every move I did or didn’t take.

I didn’t drink. I didn’t workout. I had either no caffeine everyday or very little. I relaxed as often as possible – heck, I even got a lavish 90-minute massage at my favorite place one night. I took every single pill. I injected every single shot at exactly the right time. Minute-by-minute, I did everything I was supposed to.

I played by all the rules they say I need to play by. But I learned that playing by the rules doesn’t always mean winning the game.

January was an emotionally and physically draining month for me.

Emotionally, because I truly hate putting all the garbage into my body – the body that I have worked so damn hard to be as healthy as possible. Emotionally, because putting garbage in means getting garbage out. Drugs are just like food. And with the garbage in meant that out came irritability, up-and-downs, highs-and-lows. Emotionally, because it was an expensive month which yielded no results – again; the roller coaster that is financially challenging as well.

Emotionally, because one pink line equals a heavy heart.

Physically, because I was tired 24/7, but still went about my normal life – working just as much and attempting all daily activities minus the workouts – even if only to help keep me sane. Physically, because that lead to a downward spiral to me getting sick – yes, again. Physically, because I didn’t work out; part of my life I love and live for, daily. Physically, because my body did changes acting like I was pregnant.

Physically, because one pink line equals that same heavy heart.

To say I am (or rather we are) beyond hurt is an understatement. I watch around me as people get pregnant in the blink of an eye. Babies are coming to my friends and relatives as easily as Fiona wags her tail when I say, “Wanna go for a walk?” It hurts – bad – that we pay money and more money, do everything right when really there is nothing wrong and still, month after month we come up short.

Regardless of the outcome, life has to go on. Every month this happens, I bury myself for a good 30-45 minutes to think of every positive thing I quite possibly can. I write down at least 5 things I have to look forward to in the (very) near future. It always gets me through. Today I wrote 8 (mostly for my own sanity):

1. First and foremost, this does not change the fact that I have the most amazing husband in the whole world who would give anything to help make this easier for me. I know there are millions of women out there with babies, but no one to walk with them and that baby. I am forever thankful that I will never walk alone….babies or no babies.
2. My mom is coming to visit on Tuesday for a whole week.
3. February is my birthday month.
4. I can go to the gym tomorrow (post sulking) and get a great workout in.
5. From Proverbs 31 Ministries, I am reminded: I am beyond blessed: From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. John 1:16*
6. Fiona and Reagan fill my heart daily. They are my babies, at least for now.
7. I can have a cup of coffee – real coffee. And I can go into the city this weekend with Ryan and enjoy a beverage – a real, adult beverage.
8. My website is likely to be getting a facelift. And by facelift, I mean a calmer, happier, more “me” look and feel.

If you’re sitting where I am right now, and I know there are so many of you who are, I encourage you try the same. It will really help. At least for now.

Finally, deep in my heart here is one thing I know for sure today (and to the person who sent me a text today – you know who you are – by the time you sent me that text, I had already written this last part – I know you are right because I was thinking it, too):

Everything is beautiful in its time. Those little specs we saw on the ultrasounds were beautiful. But they were not ours to keep. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that the day will come when the specs will turn to Beautiful Baby Hoffman. And when that day comes, I will look back on all of this and think, “Thank God for this one. I wouldn’t trade him/her for anything in the whole world.”

But just for tonight, I’m letting  my heavy heart  be vulnerable to one pink line.